An open letter to the obnoxious sixteen year old girl who sat next to me on the bus today:

Dear Obnoxious Sixteen Year Old Girl Who Sat Next To Me On The Bus Today,

Let me speak to you in a language you might comprehend.

So like, fuck, dude, thanks a fucking lot for like totally making me turn into my mom, alright? Because, like, when I saw you get on the bus in that outfit, I was all like, DUDE, it's a lot sexier to leave a little something to the imagination, you know? I'm serious! I'm so fucking serious bitch! Yeah! Like, that is so totally something that my mom would say, so like, thanks for making me think that, ok, bitch?

Oh, and yeah, thanks so much for sitting right next to me even though the bus was empty--I was totally into hearing your entire phone conversation dude. Like, I can't believe that George was so completely wasted on Saturday either! That's fucked up! And you're right, his mom does sound like a total whore--thanks for telling me all about that too! I am so excited for you that you scored some E...that was so fucking nice of you to tell your friend Keisha what to expect when she does it the first time. She's like, so fucking lucky to have a friend like you who can warn her all about the like, tracers and the way it like, you know, makes you think that someone is drawing on you with magic markers. Seriously. And I bet you're right, she may only be 15, but she probably is like, totally fucking cool for a 15 year old. I bet she totally has her shit together--I'm serious! No fuck you! No, shut up, I'm serious! FUCK YOU! Oh my God, that IS hilarious.

So like, yeah, I also think that it's great that you and Chad are back together--he sounds so amazing! OK, sure, he like totally had sex with Staci and Robyn when they were drunk (bitches!), and ok, yeah, he did get busted with horse tranqs in his locker, but like, he's a guy, and that bitch Robyn has totally been like, throwing herself at him obviously, for like months now, so what was he supposed to do? Totally, that is so mature for you to ummm, forgive him, you know? She is such a total whore. Like, seriously, that is such a sign of a healthy relationship, you know, that you can like forgive him and like totally move on? You guys are like, the cutest fucking couple--you sound like you're so good together! Seriously, it's like you were meant for each other.

Ummm, but listen, when you were talking about the whole plastic surgery thing? I swear, like I so, so wanted to respect your thoughts on that, dude, but you are so totally not fat! Not even! No, I'm serious. No, seriously, I am fucking serious--you so totally do NOT need liposuction. Maybe just get implants and a nose job, dude, but seriously, lipo? People have fucking DIED from that.

Man, it was so great meeting you! I'm so glad you chose to sit next to me on the bus even though like, I might have looked like I wanted to put my feet on the seat because I was like sick, and you know, almost like vomiting from the flu, and there were like thirty empty seats so I totally thought no one would mind. I mean, seriously, if I had to have someone sit next to me when I'm like that, you know, on an empty bus, I am so fucking glad it wasn't some total LOSER, you know what I mean?

Oh yeah, PS: I totally agree it is SO fucking unfair that your mom won't let you drive her Audi just because you don't have your learner's permit yet--I mean, seriously it is just a piece of paper, and you totally could just tell the cops that you stole it if you got pulled over--it's not like she'd get in trouble, and dude, you're like 16, and it would totally be like a first offense, so they wouldn't be able to do shit to you. Your mom needs to get laid, I am fucking serious! Talk about uptight! I know! Ok, fuck you beyotch, I fucking love you! No fuck you! No, seriously, fuck you! You're so hilarious!